The year 1987.
The movie – Moonstruck. I was 20.
Have you seen it? I’ve seen it at least 25-30 times, can recite the lines and love it every single time. Nominated for best picture, Cher, who was up against Meryl Streep (LOVE LOVE her!), Glenn Close, Holly Hunter and Sally Kirkland, won the Oscar in 1988 for best actress in a leading role. Olympia Dukakis (LOVE her!) won best actress in a supporting role.
The only thing better than watching Moonstruck is watching it with one of my besties, Audrey – of 38 years. I’ve known her since I was 9. We’ve seen each other through all stages of life – from first periods to Zen-opause and so many bat-sh*t crazy things in between. It boggles my mind.
We can recite the entire movie together in cozies, no make-up, late at night while eating ooo-gobs and ooo-gobs of chocolate fondue and drinking fantabulous red wine and/or Aud’s secret recipe, “Cherry Lemon Drop” martinis.
There are the types of memories in life that are vivid videos (recordings) in our minds. We can rewind, fast forward and pause. “Moonstruck Moments” with Audrey are forever recordings that I will cherish until the day I die. And that, my Zenitude readers, is a defining nature of a forever friendship. Cherishing the moments and never taking them for granted.
It hasn’t been a perfect 38 years. I can count two major break-ups – not petty, ridiculous, childish, high school break-ups. No. Audrey and I don’t seem to believe in those. We go for two major Mount Vesuvius eruptions in 38 years and we’re good. (Probably the Italian in her and it’s rubbed off on me over the years.) And this we know. I’m going to die. She’s going to die. And, we will go to each other’s "funeral in a red dress” (line from Moonstruck). We never know what the next day will bring, so we have a pinky-swear to never ever let a grudge, misunderstanding, any person or anything stand in the way of our friendship ever again.
But what else helps genuine friendships stay rooted through thick and thin and for 99% of all psycho-b*tchiness to stay the hell away?
Fundamental truth and fact: A friend’s perception is their reality. It’s not ours. It’s not ours to own. It may not even make sense to us. If we don’t understand this basic friendship rule – then get out of the friendship pool.
Have fun. Friendships should be easy. Friendships should not be an exercise in holding our breath just because we don’t know how a friend will be treating us from one day to the next. That’s just an unnatural friendship -- and leads to drinking. Friendship equals breathing. Exception: unless you’re laughing so hard your belly hurts and you can’t breathe.
Rewind to the times that we may have drifted from a friend or even a group of friends. Often it was due to transitions in our lives. And when we or they became rooted again, our friendship became richer than it was. “Sometimes we need to let go of our relationship while we navigate new waters and reinvent ourselves.” But don’t leave our friend(s) in the dark. Let them know we’re navigating but we’ll be back.
Show our underbelly, our vulnerability by trusting and saying, “I’m sorry.” The words, “I’m sorry” should be a part of our repertoire when needed.
“Reminding ourselves that this person was once worth the risk of authenticity and vulnerability is difficult in the heat of the moment. But if we’re lucky, we can put ourselves out there one final time and save that beautiful intimate relationship before it is broken forever.” That's a choice.
Respect the honesty it takes for a friend to tell you what they’re feeling. That’s called communication. And it works if we let it. Relationships of any kind are built upon communication. And sometimes that’s really uncomfortable sh*t. Talk it. Resolve it. Get over it so that you can get on with your friendship and get to picking out your “red dresses.”
Be fun, kind, loyal, funny, supportive and thoughtful. Don’t be a b*tch and don't be psycho by constantly shifting affections, having petty jealousies and envies, showing bi-polar volatility and being dismissive and accusatory. These responses have absolutely no place in a long-lasting friendship. “When seeds of anger are planted, hostility can grow so quickly.”
Snide comments that tear a friend down that aren’t addressed or resolved will fester, fester, fester and a superficial, sucky, stupid, “so-called” friendship will stand in its place – or the friendship will die. Again. Talk it. Resolve it. Get over it. Get the red dress.
When a friendship cannot be fixed, when it dies, “box up your friendship and tie a beautiful ribbon of remembrance on it.” “A journey through grief is inevitable…but it’s no place to reside.”
And most of all...be a friend. Be there. Be happy for them.
Zenitude for today:
Watch Moonstruck. Tell a friend that you love them or that you’re sorry. Eat chocolate fondue. Shop for a red dress.
*Some quotes from "My Other Ex -- Women's True Stories of Losing and Leaving Friends"