It’s January 1st. The New Year. You are at the starting line for another 365 days of options, decisions, and new journeys. Get ready to love yourself this year more than you have ever loved yourself!
I don’t know how old you are, but I am 48 (and finished menopause at 46 – reference Zenitude #14). This information matters as I tell the rest of the story).
In my mid- and late-20s, I had an eating disorder and soaking wet, I weighed in at a whopping 105-107 pounds. 107 was the evil, ascend into depths of depression weight. What’s wrong with that weight you may ask? I was 5’ 8” tall. (Currently, I fluctuate between 5’ 7” to 5’ 7 ½” depending on my slouch factor and, yes, we shrink as we get older – WHADAFUQ?)
Each day, I create a presentable self (or almost each day) and when I look at my full body image in the mirror, I have to decide one thing that in the past would spiral me into an obsessive, depressed, wicked mood for a day or two or three, or send me into a temporary, euphoric, happy place. Amazing what a pound or two can do, right? (Note: Scales are evil.) So at 48, do I decide to embrace what I see or will I criticize this body that has loyally seen me through everything that makes me who I am today? I’m telling you right now, I both criticize AND I embrace – it depends on my bloat factor. Just being honest. Thus, my thighs, my belly, my bloat factor.
In my 20s, I felt nothing in life was in my control, so I controlled my eating – EVERY SINGLE BITE, FAT GRAM AND MILE I RAN. Oh, the miles I ran. In addition, I felt I would never have an issue with gaining weight – I was in complete control. Or so I thought. Enter early menopause. In my early 30s, after many mental and life changes, I discovered a beautiful, freeing balance between eating and exercise. Sometimes the exercise went overboard, not gonna lie. But it was never to the point of a disorder as much as just loving the exhilaration of running and reveling in the emotion of breaking free from a disorder that had dictated my every bite. In my late 30’s and into my early 40s, my balance landed me into starting a fitness business that helped women uncover the love of their bodies. Man, oh, man, talk about totally loving what I did. Rewarding doesn’t even begin to describe what I felt.
And then, 1 ½ years ago happened. After 25 years of constant fitness focus, going from imbalance to balance, I burned out on everything fitness. Nothing spoke to me. Nothing energized me. I took a break. A 1 ½ year break.
Where am I going with this? My body isn’t my 20- or 30-year-old self. MY body is my new 48-year-old self. My thighs. My belly. My NOW. I know the importance of exercise and all that shit. Speaking to the choir. I am in complete acknowledgement of all the “shoulds” “should be’s,” and I’ve said “so what,” give me time and let me find something I love again.
So, I have new fitness explorations to try and also revive in 2016. Stay tuned for amusing updates. Maybe my explorations will inspire you – or maybe you’ll be just fine with your “right now” as I have been, but you'll get a chuckle out of something I'm doing. Whatever you decide, give yourself time. Do it for you. I’m off to have a glass of wine or two. Hope your first day of 2016 was incredible!
Zenitude for today:
Find your balance. Love yourself.