And then this happened.
I will turn 49. Thursday, at 7:07AM. A tic of the second hand and ba-da-boom-ba-da-bing. I’m trying to figure out what to wear so I don’t look like an almost 50-something and “they” look at me while silently thinking “what was she thinking when she put THAT on...does she think she’s 48?!” It’s yet another crossroads in life. I’m afraid. Very afraid. I’ll be on the back of People magazine on the “she should never have worn that” page. It’s not like I’m going to choose leg warmers, a fedora, pearls, and start lip-syncing to Madonna. Although that could be fun. It’s also frightening. With all of the political fear and unrest in our United States of America and I’m shallow enough to be debating what I’m going to wear (or not wear) on my birthday. Where is Carson Kressley when I need him??? Caaarsonnnn I loooove youuuuu!!!
Let’s divert to The Momma’s text to me on the eve of my birthday (her retirement cards will read, “The Momma,” Cheerleader and Funeral Director):
“Be proud of your age. You’ll look back one day and think, boy! I was young! You will always be youthful. Inside and out. Now. How do you think I feel having a daughter almost HALF A CENTURY OLD?!???”
So, of course, it’s about The Momma. But, the operative word is ALMOST! I am NOT a half century old YET! I can’t help that she is a mere youngin’ herself…we all know by now that The Momma is only 16 years older than me. But what about ME!?! ME!!!!
Let’s turn back the hands of time. I was born in 1967. My mother dressed me in Aquariaus aqua blue and taped bows in my hair (I was bald). I now have aqua blue in my living room and tape things to my walls. I was 13 in 1980. I wore aqua blue eye shadow and Joan Jett black eyeliner. It’s 2016, and I now wear zero eye shadow and try no eyeliner and “those people” ask “are you feeling well, darling, you look sick, have you been crying?” I was 26 in 1993 and, well, “big hair, still don’t care,” I was born in Texas. It’s what we do. Fast forward through the past 23 years and I am where I am today. And this is where I hold these truths to be self-evident – no matter what your age:
You WILL get a random zit when you least expect it. Because I was blessed (or not) to be totally past menopause at a very early age, I get a zit like 3 times a year. My body rebels like a teenager. So two days ago, my hormone depleted face set up a zit camp right beside my nose days before my 49th birthday. It’s probably a Trump zit. He thinks he can’t be blamed for anything, but I’m blaming him for my zit. But, seriously? The struggle is real. Momma, the Witch Hazel isn’t working this time and all the concealer in the world is making it look like a little red “clay mound” (thank you, Will from Will & Grace).
I will never change my shampoo and conditioner again. Ever. I am so over trying this and that and the other thing. It’s ridiculous. It’s tiring. Redken Butter Treat Shampoo and Conditioner. The End. Not an option.
I will never change my mascara again. For a about a year, I dated the other mascaras and they never measured up. The narcissistic spider leg mascaras were laughable. Let’s be honest. They looked like a Tarantula crawled on my face, raised a family, and died on my stumpy eyelashes. Maybelline Full ‘n Soft, I love you. I’m so sorry we broke up. Forgive me. (I will layer you on until the end of time.)
I will always change up my foundation or non-foundation. What is up with the word foundation, anyway. Are we building a fortress on my face? I digress. The past 6 months I have been married to my L’oreal BB Skin Beautifier (in Light) because well, it’s a “flawless skin finish” (damn marketers) and I listened to Corey (my bestie’s 30-year-old daughter) and The Momma. Love it for now. We could break up, but it’s my “Ms. right now” skin enhancer.
And because I’m a child of the 80s makeup scene, I need powder (but don’t put it near the edges of my eyes or too close to my laugh lines!). My splurge for years has been Eminence Organic Sun Defense powder (Peaches & Cream). LOVE IT! Brush it on without wearing anything else and you’ll find your happy skin place. And it has SPF!
And for my facial flaws. Major UnderEye Circles. I’ll never leave home without my MAC select cover-up corrector (NW25). It’s as close to magic as I can get after a night of wine. Being honest.
On the days I decide to try the cat-a-trosphic cat-eye liner (MAC Eye Kohl in Smoulder)…you know the drill. Steady hand. Thin lash line. Create a discreet line along the edge of your eye and flip it up at the corner. It’s going to be perfect this time. Okay. That so didn’t work. I look like a complete dork. One side doesn’t match the other. Do over. Go over it. Little thicker. Match it up. Delete. Delete. Delete. What happened??? Still not even. Tape? Everyone on Pinterest says use tape to make a smooth line. Okay, tape, you suck. I’m now 49. Liner can only be used on really, really special occasions. Like never.
And lipstick. I am southern. Do I need to remind you? Never leave home without some form of lipstick or SPF lip balm. No makeup. All good. No lipstick or lip balm. You will look dead or you’ll get lip cancer. Or my mother will text to say, “darling, that picture just didn’t look good…where was your lipstick.” She’ll hunt you down and send you lipstick.
With that written, I wrap this long lost blog by writing this. My stepdaughter wrote about her “30 by 30” list last year, has almost reached her goals, and has inspired me to contemplate a “50 by 50” list. I’ll think about it after this week. I’ll then have 51 weeks to accomplish 50 things after my birthday week hangover, right? If you have suggestions, let me know. In the meantime, I’ll be applying tending to my clay mound.
Zenitude for today:
Hold yourself accountable. Life quotes always read “make a difference in someone else’s life,” and I agree, but you can’t strengthen and inspire someone else until you understand your strengths and confront your weaknesses. Keep getting to know yourself so you can fight for and inspire others in magical ways.